Angel

hold me
close to your chest
your eyes, so sad
skin so soft and
touch so sweet
in you, I see Him
grace is your friend, understanding your lover
wingless Angel, where are your horns?

Vector Art by Jimiyo: http://www.facebook.com/jimiyoart

how much is that doggy in the window?

when i was a kid, i remember being places where you could buy a pet; whether it was shelters or pet stores i don't remember. what i do remember though, is that i often watched the people in those little rooms, playing with their prospective new room mates. some would pay me no mind, others would glance up at me with a look on their faces, as if they were disgusted or creeped out by this boy watching them. seeing these people, it always made me smile, but i think also it made me sad. looking back i wonder, what were they looking for there, in that clear walled room? love, companionship, a friend who would always be there for them without question? those people made me sad and i wonder now: did any of them get what they wanted, or was it something completely different that they never thought they needed at all?

got called in to work on Saturday, but Mom was already there and had our only car. new workers were called in to replace us and they were given what would have been uor hours the next day as well. no work means no money. i had plans for it-i was going to pay for my next installment on my youth trip and i was going to take a vacation with what was left and some other money i've been saving. now i'm not able to do either and i've realized why. i don't deserve it; i don't do anything productive or helpful so i haven't earned the right to try and feel happy again. didn't have my medicine for a week, so i'm more or less back to square one again. everytime i try, it gets harder. every day is a struggle, some days are better than others but it's bad when i'm alone.

do you ever just want to be alone with someone? truly alone with them, just silent and looking into one another-trying to put together words that you've said before to no avail?

i'm slipping today, i can feel it. here is a review i wrote for the new single from Panic! at the Disco. enjoy or disagree, either way why not voice that opinion?

A review of The Ballad of Mona Lisa

When I first heard that there was in fact a new single and forthcoming album from Nevada based rockers Panic! at the Disaco I was exstatic. I had enjoyed both of their previous albums and was intrested in seeing how they would fair as a duo since splitting up for 'creative differences'. Hurriedly i went to the youtube channel of FueledbyRamen and waited the seeming eternity that it took for the video to buffer. expecting gold, i was given tin. It appears to me that the panic has now begun to die down. gone is the experimentation that cemented Pretty. Odd as one of my favorites of the year as it has been replaced with the more generic, dancified tones of I Write Sins Not Tragedies. While the steampunk meets Clue premise of the video kept me watching, the song left me watching the clock. With any luck, Vices and Virtues will not leave this same sad look upon my face. Perhaps they have regressed in hopes of preserving the former fan base, but in doing so what are they really giving us as artists?

changed the layout from Dark to Bright. maybe it will help offset the Darkness inside. It's getting better, slowly i'm singing it to sleep. Will it all be worth it in the end?

i miss being kissed by someone who means it. you know what i mean, right? those kisses that make your lips tingle with electricity before and after. the ones you wish lasted longer.

i had a dream today and it frightened me. i applied to two schools, UofM and the one that you're off to in the fall only to be denied by both and being left to wonder what to do next. i haven't had my pills in five days, i'm not sure what is going to happen next. will someone talk to me, please? i feel fine most of the time, but then something like this happens and i am unhinged again. only slightly so far, but that's all it takes. youth weekend in March, unsure of if i should go. i don't know if i could stand to see her right now.

my Nintendo DS was stolen a few years back, shortly after i got it. i kept telling myself that it's here in the house somewhere, but tricking yourself like that only works for so long.
after you've taken literally everything out of every room and not found it, it's like a little part of you dies. that last bit of childish excitement that Nintendo brought you is snuffed out forever. Goodbye, Donkey Kong; Rest In Peace Mario; Poor Luigi, you'll be vacuuming yourself up pretty soon. What sort of monster does this?! I hadn't even named her yet!

i slept the day away. slept from six to six, got up at eleven for a bit. i ate, showered and have done more or less nothing else. i feel warm and tired. my skin, normally pale is now darker, almost red. it was suggested that it is my feeling comfortable. if this is comfort, i'd like more of it so that i may learn to relax.

i've noticed something. this medicine i'm on, it isn't stopping the thoughts i was having before but they don't come as often during the day. it's usually only bad when i am over tired and what not. the urge to smash stuff is still as relevant as it was before though. i was told today that i am a very violent person. also today at Church, I was reminded twice of how lonely I am.

two of my friends were both wearing promise rings.

had a meeting today with the Pillar Youth, the Apostle Hect and Evangelist Gomez. We talked about the different ways that the Pillar Youth could be involved with the Youth and within their congregations. It was more or less things I had already heard before, but it was nice to see and spend time with some of the other people that I don't get to see often. I can not wait for tomorrow, I'll get to see Space Kitten. I hope she'll talk to me, I have a surprise for her. Let Me In -the US Remake of Let The Right One In- and a can of Chocolate covered Espresso Beans. The can even looks like a little battery, it's so cute. I miss her a lot and I want to tell her about all the things that I figured out, that I mentinoed in a previous entry, but right now is not a good time. She wishes to be apart from me, and it's honestly what I deserve. She's the only person who ever read this blog to begin with. That's part of the reason I startede it up again- in the hopes that she may look at it and see how I am. That for that moment, she'll wonder 'what's he up to? is he doing okay?' I am doing a lot better than I was before and it is only because she had finally had enough of what I was putting her through. Because I knew that I really only had this noe chance, I had to look at myself real hard and find something to take to her. To show her that I was serious about getting better and that one day, I would be. I can't though. I can't just go to her now; I have to wait. I have to know that I really am better and it's not just something I am forcing to happen so that I may be her friend again. I can't do that to myself or to her. That's why as much as it pains me sometimes, I've been keeping the promise I made to her.
Currently listening to: Kaki King play in my head.

I went out to dinner tonight with a bunch of people from Church and I noticed that even though we had guests from other areas, everyone sat with the people they always sit with. There was no inter mingling and I thought 'wht was the point of all this, then?' Played a game in the car though. everytime someone said fuck, it was tallied and you have to take that many shots next time we get together. So far the score is: Shannon: 20, Heather: 6 Myself: 13 and Mike: 0. Mike got zero on purpose, he's trying to be a good boy. lol!

I was made an offer last night. A friend's boyfriend, whom I have known for some time now and who I have done some computer work for in the past said he had more work for me and that if I was interested he could get me office space to start a shoppe. This makes me very hesitant. I do this work on computers as a hobby, all it is to me is funsies. I would love to do it for a living, but a part of me is convinced that it would fail. Everyone has their fears. mine are rejection, being alone and failure. I don't think i've ever expected to go anywhere. i have all these ideas and ambitions, but they never come to fruition. How do I make this go away?

I had a dream

i was at an ill cared for Zoo. poultry were lying dead in the bottoms of cages, wild beasts were in open band shells. I was bitten twice. Once by a chicken I believe and once by a babboon. everyone kept telling me that mostly they would just sniff me and go away, but i was afraid and they bit. i was taken to an office that i guess was an impromptu infirmary. i said i wanted to talk to the owner because it was unsafe here. they said i could but first i had to be treated. they made me disrobe and then i was washed from head to toe by a nurse. they gave me band aids for the bites- can you believe that? BAND-AIDS! and then as they left, they held up the towel i had been dried with and said 'hey what do we do with this?' and then began talking about using it to create a bunch of clones.

I feel...agreeable. I'm not sure what that even means, but it's the best way I can try and describe myself right now. I have come to a realization; one that made me sick to my stomach and yet made me feel so much lighter. It's a rather simple realization, now that I think about it: I hate my life. I hate my life and I hate myself and for a time I hated the only person who really wanted to help me. I do not hate them anymore, but it was that hatred for everything else that I feel caused me to treat them as I did. What I did was unforgivable. I know that now. I have however realized why I did it. I hated so much, but the only thing I had any control over was my relationship with them. The darkness inside of me attached itself to them and it fed for ages upon my feelings for them. For a time, I felt betrayed; replaced by something I couldn't be anymore. understanding.