my Nintendo DS was stolen a few years back, shortly after i got it. i kept telling myself that it's here in the house somewhere, but tricking yourself like that only works for so long.
after you've taken literally everything out of every room and not found it, it's like a little part of you dies. that last bit of childish excitement that Nintendo brought you is snuffed out forever. Goodbye, Donkey Kong; Rest In Peace Mario; Poor Luigi, you'll be vacuuming yourself up pretty soon. What sort of monster does this?! I hadn't even named her yet!

i slept the day away. slept from six to six, got up at eleven for a bit. i ate, showered and have done more or less nothing else. i feel warm and tired. my skin, normally pale is now darker, almost red. it was suggested that it is my feeling comfortable. if this is comfort, i'd like more of it so that i may learn to relax.

i've noticed something. this medicine i'm on, it isn't stopping the thoughts i was having before but they don't come as often during the day. it's usually only bad when i am over tired and what not. the urge to smash stuff is still as relevant as it was before though. i was told today that i am a very violent person. also today at Church, I was reminded twice of how lonely I am.

two of my friends were both wearing promise rings.

had a meeting today with the Pillar Youth, the Apostle Hect and Evangelist Gomez. We talked about the different ways that the Pillar Youth could be involved with the Youth and within their congregations. It was more or less things I had already heard before, but it was nice to see and spend time with some of the other people that I don't get to see often. I can not wait for tomorrow, I'll get to see Space Kitten. I hope she'll talk to me, I have a surprise for her. Let Me In -the US Remake of Let The Right One In- and a can of Chocolate covered Espresso Beans. The can even looks like a little battery, it's so cute. I miss her a lot and I want to tell her about all the things that I figured out, that I mentinoed in a previous entry, but right now is not a good time. She wishes to be apart from me, and it's honestly what I deserve. She's the only person who ever read this blog to begin with. That's part of the reason I startede it up again- in the hopes that she may look at it and see how I am. That for that moment, she'll wonder 'what's he up to? is he doing okay?' I am doing a lot better than I was before and it is only because she had finally had enough of what I was putting her through. Because I knew that I really only had this noe chance, I had to look at myself real hard and find something to take to her. To show her that I was serious about getting better and that one day, I would be. I can't though. I can't just go to her now; I have to wait. I have to know that I really am better and it's not just something I am forcing to happen so that I may be her friend again. I can't do that to myself or to her. That's why as much as it pains me sometimes, I've been keeping the promise I made to her.
Currently listening to: Kaki King play in my head.

I went out to dinner tonight with a bunch of people from Church and I noticed that even though we had guests from other areas, everyone sat with the people they always sit with. There was no inter mingling and I thought 'wht was the point of all this, then?' Played a game in the car though. everytime someone said fuck, it was tallied and you have to take that many shots next time we get together. So far the score is: Shannon: 20, Heather: 6 Myself: 13 and Mike: 0. Mike got zero on purpose, he's trying to be a good boy. lol!

I was made an offer last night. A friend's boyfriend, whom I have known for some time now and who I have done some computer work for in the past said he had more work for me and that if I was interested he could get me office space to start a shoppe. This makes me very hesitant. I do this work on computers as a hobby, all it is to me is funsies. I would love to do it for a living, but a part of me is convinced that it would fail. Everyone has their fears. mine are rejection, being alone and failure. I don't think i've ever expected to go anywhere. i have all these ideas and ambitions, but they never come to fruition. How do I make this go away?

I had a dream

i was at an ill cared for Zoo. poultry were lying dead in the bottoms of cages, wild beasts were in open band shells. I was bitten twice. Once by a chicken I believe and once by a babboon. everyone kept telling me that mostly they would just sniff me and go away, but i was afraid and they bit. i was taken to an office that i guess was an impromptu infirmary. i said i wanted to talk to the owner because it was unsafe here. they said i could but first i had to be treated. they made me disrobe and then i was washed from head to toe by a nurse. they gave me band aids for the bites- can you believe that? BAND-AIDS! and then as they left, they held up the towel i had been dried with and said 'hey what do we do with this?' and then began talking about using it to create a bunch of clones.

I feel...agreeable. I'm not sure what that even means, but it's the best way I can try and describe myself right now. I have come to a realization; one that made me sick to my stomach and yet made me feel so much lighter. It's a rather simple realization, now that I think about it: I hate my life. I hate my life and I hate myself and for a time I hated the only person who really wanted to help me. I do not hate them anymore, but it was that hatred for everything else that I feel caused me to treat them as I did. What I did was unforgivable. I know that now. I have however realized why I did it. I hated so much, but the only thing I had any control over was my relationship with them. The darkness inside of me attached itself to them and it fed for ages upon my feelings for them. For a time, I felt betrayed; replaced by something I couldn't be anymore. understanding.