I was made an offer last night. A friend's boyfriend, whom I have known for some time now and who I have done some computer work for in the past said he had more work for me and that if I was interested he could get me office space to start a shoppe. This makes me very hesitant. I do this work on computers as a hobby, all it is to me is funsies. I would love to do it for a living, but a part of me is convinced that it would fail. Everyone has their fears. mine are rejection, being alone and failure. I don't think i've ever expected to go anywhere. i have all these ideas and ambitions, but they never come to fruition. How do I make this go away?

I had a dream

i was at an ill cared for Zoo. poultry were lying dead in the bottoms of cages, wild beasts were in open band shells. I was bitten twice. Once by a chicken I believe and once by a babboon. everyone kept telling me that mostly they would just sniff me and go away, but i was afraid and they bit. i was taken to an office that i guess was an impromptu infirmary. i said i wanted to talk to the owner because it was unsafe here. they said i could but first i had to be treated. they made me disrobe and then i was washed from head to toe by a nurse. they gave me band aids for the bites- can you believe that? BAND-AIDS! and then as they left, they held up the towel i had been dried with and said 'hey what do we do with this?' and then began talking about using it to create a bunch of clones.

I feel...agreeable. I'm not sure what that even means, but it's the best way I can try and describe myself right now. I have come to a realization; one that made me sick to my stomach and yet made me feel so much lighter. It's a rather simple realization, now that I think about it: I hate my life. I hate my life and I hate myself and for a time I hated the only person who really wanted to help me. I do not hate them anymore, but it was that hatred for everything else that I feel caused me to treat them as I did. What I did was unforgivable. I know that now. I have however realized why I did it. I hated so much, but the only thing I had any control over was my relationship with them. The darkness inside of me attached itself to them and it fed for ages upon my feelings for them. For a time, I felt betrayed; replaced by something I couldn't be anymore. understanding.

Guess whose back

I finally remembered my password. I think I'll start posting stuff again.

stiff joints and nut shots

had a great day loyal readers. i went to borders to buy my book (angry management by chris crutcher. fitting title, no?) and it wasn't there. that's fine, i can get it online but then i find out that we don't have a debit card anymore which foils that plan. i go to the tigers game casue my mom got tix from work that's alright excpept for the fact that i can barely walk becasue all of my joints have decided to become stiff. we leave at the bottom of the 6th casue of dads back and we're losing 5 to 2 to the blue jays. i get home, talk on the phone for a few minutes only to get hit in the nuts which makes it that much harder to walk to my room. i get to my room and what do you know, the dogs have pissed on my mattress which i can not get clean now. according to my cousin i need to: get laid, drunk or just relax for a night. i don't think any of those things are happening anytime soon, do you?

sharkbait, oh wah hah

thoughts are like sharks in the womb. they fight until only one is left to be said. problem is, they like to come out breach.

my head hurts and i'm not in a good mood. i haven't been in a good mood for awhile now, i want it to stop. any ideas?